on the real tho, y’all gas me up too much (makes me wonder how delusional other tumblr users might be). you guys literally had me thinking that i was doing the right thing when it came to talking to someone i really liked and i ended up losing their complete attention. and it’s tough. wanting someone to acknowledge your existence that badly. even when the people that have tried to check me by saying that only i could truly acknowledge and give meaning to my own existence, i ignored them and still wanted this. i felt like i had spent such a (subjective) long time depending on myself, waiting and growing patiently so that i would never forget a wrong i ever committed against an ex, and trying to give myself my own meaning that it grew to be overwhelming like no other. it was fucking exhausting. i considered myself ready to depend on someone, no matter how short/long it was, i just wanted to do/end it right. and instead it ended like some kind of weak ass high school relationship… & you know that feeling of disgust and apprehensiveness you get after you bust when you’re masturbating? that is p much what this girl feels towards me. tbh, that is a totally natural feeling that only a mature person would be able to face, because its normal for shit to die down once someone busts after hitting any kind of climax with someone else. but to think that this whole short duration might have just been one big climax for her, while i was seriously fighting my own doubts every single day…but i know how this was hard for her too and idek. like…i never ignored a girl for making me bust. ESPECIALLY if i wanted her to but apparently this girl don’t even want to bother with me anymore and all i can think of is fuckin karma
i thought myself as moved on already but it’s like i resumed my normal activities. even now im posting selfies for attention ‘n shit
i’ve never been so misguided before in my life.
but tbh, you know what is even more exhausting?
trying to stay away from being accountable for your words/actions.
happiness never comes from drifting about aimlessly.
strength comes from a foundation, a foundation takes resolve, and resolve takes courage. nothing so cheesy could ever be so right, and i really do want to believe that even really fuckin sad and pathetic lessons like these are here to better myself. i guess i just chose the wrong time/person/place to put my game face on. but i’m still sticking by how i feel, because i don’t know any other way to do it.